I pulled out one of my medical textbooks and looked up the definition of major depression.
“Chronic, severe symptoms of depression with apathy (indifference), hopelessness, helplessness, worthlessness, crying, insomnia, lack of pleasure in any activity (anhedonia), increased or decreased appetite, inability to make decisions or concentrate, fatigue, and slowed movements. During psychiatric interviews, depressed patients are asked if they have current suicidal ideation or past suicide attempts. Depression is caused by decreased levels of norepinephrine.”
Well, who wouldn’t want that?
Today has been kind of rough. I apparently did not sleep well and I woke up with a crick in my neck that just about makes me cry every time I look to the left. The fatigue and slow movements are definitely in effect. Between the pain and fatigue I’m experiencing I honestly feel like just curling up in the bed for the rest of the week. I know this is not feasible and absolutely not healthy, but there it is. Once again, depression is stripping me not only energy, but desire to do anything or be functional in any way.
People who are fortunate enough to never have been affected by depression don’t understand days like this. I’ve actually had good things happen today, but the symptoms are sapping my ability to get excited or even really appreciate those things. I don’t remember a time that I didn’t deal with this. I saw my first counselor while I was in high school though I should have sooner than that as I attempted suicide in eighth grade. It’s a fact of my life as it is for so many suffering from this disease. I wish there were a way to make people who have never dealt with this understand. I would never wish it on anyone. While I am extremely grateful for the fact that I have so many friends who understand what I fight because they fight it themselves, it breaks my heart that they have that knowledge because it is a knowledge gleaned from bitter experience.
I think I hate the apathy the most. I don’t want to not care about the things that normally bring me joy. I honestly think the fatigue builds on that, at least for me. You become tired of not caring. Once again, that just sounds like a fantastic symptom.
My wish for all of you dealing with this crap is that your joy would return to you. That you wouldn’t feel the fatigue this brings. I would wish you more joy than your heart could hold and the energy to enjoy it. That’s what I am asking for myself and for you.