I remember when I was in my late teens or early twenties I was talking to my doctor about the stomach ailments I was dealing with at the time. My doctor (who had been our family doc since I was nine years old and therefore knew me quite well by that time) jokingly told me I could blame my father for my ultra-thin stomach lining that has left me prone to ulcers since adolescence. But then he asked me what I was angry about. He told me, “You can’t internalize everything. Depression is just anger turned inward.”
That’s the best description of depression I’ve ever found. I’ve turned a lot of anger inward the last few years. Today I feel that anger oozing out of me like a toxic sludge, to the point that I’m afraid if I spoke to any of the people who have upset me I’d cause irreparable damage to relationships.
I’m so angry at the friend who told me that my not agreeing with her was “shitting on her opinion.” We had an intense argument where I actually found myself apologizing for not agreeing with her. Now I think about it and I am pissed. I’m mad at her for believing that her view is the only valid one. I’m mad at myself for letting her “shit on my opinion.” I am entitled to my own thoughts and views. I would never dream of telling someone what they should or shouldn’t like, think, or feel. We are all human beings with valid emotions. Even if I don’t like what you’re saying, it doesn’t mean I think it’s right to diminish your right to feel the way you do. So, yeah, I’m pissed. It’s been months since that stupid argument and if I were to bring it up it would dig open an ugly wound. Is it worth it for a difference of opinion? No. Does it still bother me greatly that my friend thinks my opinion isn’t valid because it isn’t the same as hers and therefore is something I should apologize for? You bet your sweet ass.
I’m hurt to the point of anger at the person who has completely turned their back on me as I’ve gone through this. I’ve reached out to them and received absolutely nothing in return. This is someone in my family whom I’ve always loved but now when I just want to say hello or I love you, I’m ignored. They give no excuse for the ringing silence. I know they are angry at another family member and I’ve apparently been lumped in with the person they are angry with and will now be shunned. The same person putting me through this gets online and talks about the importance of forgiveness and compassion, yet shows none himself. Needless to say I’m furious that someone who should act like an adult is being a petulant child and showing that their perceived slight is more important than a loved one that could just use a kind word. I’ve told my mom I’m not sure if this person has their butt on their shoulders or their head up their ass. Either way, the two need to be separated. Until then I suppose I need to find a way to let go of this anger because this family member has proven quite loudly without words that they don’t want to be a part of my life.
I’m furious with the guy who owns the building next to my house. The only way to access my driveway is to enter their parking lot for all of five seconds. This jerk does everything he can to make life difficult for me. The huge amounts of snow we’ve received this winter have been a boon to this douchebag. He got on his ATV with a plow attachment and built a snow wall completely blocking me from my driveway. I haven’t been able to park there in over a month. I’ll admit to throwing a tantrum the other night when I couldn’t even get close to my house to park when I got home. There is no reason for this guy to be such a douchecanoe towards me. I don’t own the house I live in. I have never blocked his parking lot. In fact, even after I had a confrontation with him because he blocked me in, I’ve gone out of my way to be polite to him. Every smile and hello is met with a look that clearly wishes me to eat shit. I generally subscribe to the kill them with kindness life model. Now I’m wanting to take my hot pink Sharpie and use the canvas of his overly large white pickup to question why an accountant needs such a big truck. I want to ask him if his need to be a ginormous dick is because he has such a small one. I know this probably isn’t worth getting worked up about, but damn it, I’m pissed. Why be an asshole? It’s so much easier to just be a decent human being.
I know part of this is because I’m feeling overwhelmed by life at the moment. I’ve started a new job and the stress of learning new systems and procedures is a bit much. I’m starting back to school to finish my degree next week. I’ve been sick this week causing me to miss work. My car has needed almost $1,000 worth of work and still needs more done. While some of these are awesome things and I’m truly excited for the good things on the horizon, I’m still feeling like I’m in over my head. I feel like I did when I was four years old and went to the beach the first time. I excitedly stepped out into the water only to have a wave as tall as I was immediately hit me and sweep me off my feet, leaving me scared, spluttering, and disoriented. That feeling pisses me off which perpetuates the cycle. I wish there was a way to vent all this anger without destroying relationships or going on a rampage. I know that I won’t actually go on a rampage but sometimes the screaming, cursing, and crying just don’t seem loud enough.