And not in the only song I like by Celine Dion way. I am back to feeling lost and overwhelmed. I’ve had positive changes in my life. I love the people I work with. I don’t know what I’d do without that sweet little ball of fluff I call Emma. I went back to school and finished the semester with good grades. I still feel like I’m drowning.
The depression is growing again. It’s affecting me physically by aggravating my ulcer. I look at all the things in my life that I need money to take care of: the car, a new bed that isn’t broken, a couch that is comfortable enough to sleep on since the bed isn’t, and the money to pay all the back rent my wonderful landlords let me owe them. I try to remember all the good things I have going on in my life. I think of the friends who surround me and make me laugh. Yet I go home and even the memories of the laughter with good friends still don’t outweigh this stupid fucking depression that tries to grab me and drag me down to its level.
I have come to realize that I have been depressed my entire life. It is something that I have learned to live with. I am able to look back at times when the depression was strong enough to make me want to just give up. I remember looking into a bottle of painkillers after I broke my foot and thinking it could all be over and I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. The only thing that kept me from doing it was the realization that my child would be the one to find me and I just couldn’t allow that to happen. I hate feeling this way and I don’t want to feel like this anymore.
Wouldn’t that be great if it worked? I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD and I would love to decide that these things will no longer affect my life. But life sucks sometimes. Things start turning around and looking up. The monster doesn’t seem to be hiding under the bed or lurking over your shoulder. You think that maybe you’re starting to get past this. Then BAM!!! I feel like I’m back in the belly of the beast and I don’t know how to get out. I don’t want to worry about if I feel good enough to get out of bed and go to work. I don’t want my stomach ulcer to make me so ill that even when I am able to get out of bed I still have to miss work because of the symptoms. I just want, even if it’s only for a little while, that things are looking up and that I’m not going to be sick forever. Is that too much to ask?
So, this is my ranting, my complaining, my wishing for things to be better. I don’t know if they will be. I can hope that they will be. I can refuse to give up the fight. But I gotta tell you, it makes me tired as hell to fight all the time.