Sometimes I think people believe I just like to complain about my depression and anxiety. “Oh, that’s just Julie whinging about stuff again. Why can’t she just just let it go and cheer up?” Yeah, why can’t I just let it go and cheer up? There is not another soul on this planet who wants that more than I do. I want to not be weighed down by everything that seems to keep going wrong. I would absolutely love to have vast stretches of time where I see nothing but joy and light. Believe me, believe anyone that deals with this monster, that is something we want more than anything.
I’m tired of worrying constantly about money, unexpected expenses, ongoing car troubles, my grades, my job, my child, my dog, or whatever the hell else settles in to drown in me fear and doubt.
I know that I am unbelievably blessed. Last week on Facebook I posted about how bad my anxiety was and how I could use prayers and good vibes. They poured in and my mom posted on there telling me that I had a lot of people who care about me. I am completely aware of it and thankful beyond words for it. But that doesn’t stop that ugly voice inside me telling me that they really can’t mean what they say. I’m not worth it and they just say those things to shut me the hell up. I know it’s not true, but I still hear it.
I’m tired of being tired and disengaged from life. I will plan on doing something. I promise myself that I will accomplish whatever thing it is that I know needs to be done. Then the time arrives and I have no motivation, no energy, no interest. I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to invest less than my all in things but I can never even find a fraction of myself to do it.
Then you have the periods where everything piles up and that makes everything even worse. There are more bills than money. Then the car starts acting up. Then something breaks and needs to be fixed. Then the next thing happens and the next thing. Meanwhile, I’m still back at the beginning of the wreck watching the pile-up build and feeling like the roadway of my life is going to be completely blocked for eternity and no one will ever be able to get through.
Earlier today I actually even wondered if it mattered if I was here. I’m not going to act on that. But that thought just popped into my head. I know it matters. It matters to my mom, to my child, to my dog, and to the amazing number of friends I have somehow acquired. Still, the voice asks the question. Do you even matter?
I just don’t know how to win. I want to be better. I want to not find myself in tears every single frickin’ day. It doesn’t seem to happen though. Every time I feel like things are getting better, that I might just be climbing out of this hole, something yanks me right back down again.
I truly don’t mean to complain. I just need to make my own voice heard so that it drowns out the one telling me how worthless I am and how it doesn’t matter if I’m here. I feel like if I’m at least railing against the universe for the shit storm that my life seems to be, I’m still getting something out there.
For the people I love, I promise not to listen to that voice that tells me you don’t care. I know you do. I won’t let it drive me to an irrevocable decision. I just need to shout into the wind sometimes so it doesn’t seem so loud.